Everyone knows there are different restaurants befitting different occasions: some are romantic, some convenient, some more Instagram-worthy than anything else. To judge them all by the same ubiquitous is something I simply refuse to do.
Please bear this in mind, however, and heap salt onto the gripe and grumbling which is about to follow. Restaurateur Alex Xu has folks queuing along Soho’s Old Compton Street for a whiff of the TikTok-famous Noodle Inn, his next venture after Chinatown’s Kung-Fu Noodle.
Highlighting the rich traditions of the Gansu province, it is a place that professional food fanatics of both broadsheets and little sheets have railed against and rallied to in equal measure.
My turn now, at Noodle Inn’s second outpost on Liverpool Street. It’s bigger, meaning there is little need to queue, which is nice for those of us who refuse to do so. It’s also completely halal.
Harsh lights and copy-and-paste Chinese décor don’t immediately dazzle, and being plonked centre stage, so close to our neighbouring diners that we feel invested in their conversations, doesn’t create the most intimate of atmospheres.
Lychee and bayberry juice is a tart awakening, and an Asahi for my date melts smiles onto our faces – bring on the noodles, we bray! The knife-cut chicken main comes out before the starters, the noodles’ variegated edges looking, I less-than-tactfully observe, “like the bobbit worms that infect my partner’s saltwater fish tanks”.
But in terms of taste they are a triumph - the big bowl of flour and water tastes something akin to a warm hug from a friend, if that hug were piled with small hoops of spring onion, slippery pak choi, and golden nuggets of braised chicken.
Black fungus salad (starter) is then dropped off – anemone-like curls in a light soy and vinegar are a must-have to break up the liquid-heavy menu and get vegans hot under the collar. Chicken wontons can equally be used as much-needed solid matter; these handmade packages of joy are crispy and devoured far too soon. It’s only customary that spring rolls and deep-fried tofu feature, but for something different, why not try the surf clam and cucumber salad? Or the range of Chinese-style burgers in many proteins if you’re a sea-life sceptic?
Through long slitted windows, visible to diners, chefs (somewhat performatively) swing noodle chains and chop and dice. Once an obscure dish local to Xi’an, biangbiang noodles are here to stay - they even have their own unique character in the Chinese writing system and are said to be named after the sound of the thicker noodles slapping the board used to make them. The thwomp was so loud I swivelled my head.
If you’re under 25 and a foodie, you’ve likely seen the restaurant’s beef rib on TikTok. This, sadly, is all style and no substance. Yes, there is a great protruding bone from your bowl which the server has to somewhat self-consciously snip, but the famous noodles below are compacted in a clump, making me think they have been resting somewhere too long. The sauce is all meaty chilli orange, and the oil-slip really lives up to its name, but the taste is just that: flat beefiness and viscous fire.
The whole affair feels a little hurried and, dare I say, cynical. We are turned over in less than an hour and a half, the only casualty one of the white stripes on my Breton jumper (Sod’s law).
At £34 per person total, this is no doubt a more cost-effective option than other restaurants you might find round about. Dive in with tooth and claw, avoid the toilets, and take pictures of every dish - I fear we are approaching one of the first restaurants with more of an eye on digital consumption than physical. Oh, brave new world indeed!
Noodle Inn (Liverpool Street) can be found at 100 Middlesex St, E1 7EZ.
